HUMOR IN UNIFORM

Following an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother, eight noisy and shoving siblings, and I arrived inGermany.

"Do you have any weapons or illegal drugs on you?" the customs agent asked my weary mother.

"Sir," she said while separating my brother and me, "if I had either ofthose items, I would have used them by now."

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A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess hall read, "Don't Waste Food — Food Will Win the War."

Beneath these words someone had scrawled, "That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat here?"

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I was in the perfume aisle of our base exchange and noticed an airman pickup a bottle and sniff its contents.

I told her that I liked her selection.

"Oh, I'm not buying any perfume," she responded. "When I get homesick for my mom, I always come here to smell her brand of cologne."

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"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news," said our platoon sergeant during our morning line up.

"First, the good news. PrivateTomkins will be setting the pace on our run." The platoon began to hoot and holler, since the overweight Tomkins was the slowest guy in the group.

"Now the bad news. Private Tomkins will be driving a truck."

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Shortly after joining the army, I was in line with some other inductees when the sergeant stepped forward with that day's assignments.

After handing overvarious tasks, he asked, "Does anyone here have experience with radio communications?"

A longtime ham operator, I shouted, "I do!"

"Good," he said. "You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole."