MISCOMMUNICATION

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, 'What are the grounds for your divorce?

She replied, 'About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.'

'No,' he said, 'I mean what is the foundation of this case?'

'It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,' she responded.

'I mean,' he continued, 'What are your relations like?'

'I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.'

He said, 'Do you have a real grudge?'

'No,' she replied, 'We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.'

'Please,' he tried again, 'is there any infidelity in your marriage?'

'Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.'

'Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?'

'Yes,' she responded, 'about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.'

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, 'Lady, why do you want a divorce?'

'Oh, I don't want a divorce,' she replied. 'I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!'

FORTUNE TELLER

A young man went to a fortune teller.

Gazing into her crystal ball, the old lady asked, "What is your dream, young man? What do you want to do with your life?"

"I want to become a great writer."

"How do you define great?" she asked.

"I want to write things that the whole world will read, things that people will react to on a truly emotional level, things that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger."

The fortune teller reassured him, "It will be so."

He now works for Microsoft .... writing error messages ....

WAITERS & A CUSTOMER

Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down Sir, we serve everyone ....
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Customer: Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter: Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer: No, I can't.
Waiter: Then does it really matter ....
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Customer: Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers ....
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Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That's all right Sir, he won't drink much ....
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Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
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Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller ....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card ....

SOME GOOD ONES

Signboard Outside A Prostitute's House:

Married MEN Not Allowed. We Serve The Needy, Not The Greedy ....

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Written On The T-Shirt Of A Girl:

SITUATORY WARNING: Objects Inside The T-Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear From Outside ....

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Lady : Is this my train?

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.

Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy ....

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A drunkard was brought to court.

Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.

The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, 'Order, Order.'

The drunkard immediately responded, 'Thank you, Your Honor, I'll have a scotch and soda.'

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Man Quits Smoking Because Of Will Power.

He Quits Drinking Because Of Will Power.

But He Quits Womanizing Because He Has The Will But No Power .....

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Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting, 'Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!'

'That's great, Sweetheart,' said her daddy. 'Come in to the living room and tell me about it.'

'Well,' began the confession, 'I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science.'

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1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.

1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions ....

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Man: How old is your father?

Boy: As old as me.

Man: How can that be?

Boy: He became a father only when I was born ....

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Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?

Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time ....

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An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.

'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'

'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.

'How long has what been going on?' said the man ....

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Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Yes Dear.

Girl: Would you die for me?

Boy: No, mine is undying love ....

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Wife: Do you want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : Yes and no ....

INNOCENT CHILD

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle (ice cream) and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. "An ambulance just drove by." "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike ...." "Looks like the Sanders are moving" "Jason is on his skate board ...."

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

THE SEX FROG

A young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.

As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with Complete Instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."

The blonde nods, grabs the box and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the blonde calls the pet store.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time ....

FISSION OR FUSION

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh! I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said .... "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea," to which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

GREAT ONE

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me, the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want divorce!"

The husband replies, "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened. You can't say I'm dishonest."

"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"

The husband begins to tell his story ....

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizzas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them." "Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you; I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste." "I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story ....

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me, "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

THE MARRIAGE BOX

A young man asked his girl friend to marry him and she agreed on the condition that he never looked into the box that she kept by her bed.

He agreed and they were married.

The years rolled by until eventually they reached their 50th wedding anniversary.

The man turned to his wife and said, "For all these years I have kept my promise and I have never looked in your box, don't you think I could look into it now?"

"Well," she said, "I don't suppose it will do any harm."

He opened the box and he found 2 eggs and £1000 inside.

"What's with the 2 eggs?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box."

He wasn't very happy about it but thought that twice in 50 years wasn't so bad.

"And what about the £1000 ?" he asked.

"Well," she said, "Every time I got to a dozen eggs, I sold them".

SNIFFER

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and the dog is a "sniffing dog". "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Labrador sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

Q & A

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

STAR IN THE EAST

A mother and her teenage daughter came to the doctor's office.

The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She's been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," said the mother.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men."

She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you dear?"

"No mommy," said the girl. "Why you know that I have never so much as kissed a boy!"

The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was goint to show up."