OLD FARMER

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over.

He hadn't been there for a while and he grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence. At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

NOTHING TO DECLARE

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

REDNECKS

There was a Redneck father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine.

A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked his father.

"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted," the boy replied.

"Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said.

So off to the university he went. A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked his son.

"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one."

"Gee, Dad. Which question was that?"

"The question was....", started the father, "What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"

"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse."

"Oh, hell," said the father, " I got that one wrong as well."

ENGINE FAILURE

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry .... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry .... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

HUMOR IN UNIFORM

Following an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother, eight noisy and shoving siblings, and I arrived inGermany.

"Do you have any weapons or illegal drugs on you?" the customs agent asked my weary mother.

"Sir," she said while separating my brother and me, "if I had either ofthose items, I would have used them by now."

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A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess hall read, "Don't Waste Food — Food Will Win the War."

Beneath these words someone had scrawled, "That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat here?"

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I was in the perfume aisle of our base exchange and noticed an airman pickup a bottle and sniff its contents.

I told her that I liked her selection.

"Oh, I'm not buying any perfume," she responded. "When I get homesick for my mom, I always come here to smell her brand of cologne."

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"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news," said our platoon sergeant during our morning line up.

"First, the good news. PrivateTomkins will be setting the pace on our run." The platoon began to hoot and holler, since the overweight Tomkins was the slowest guy in the group.

"Now the bad news. Private Tomkins will be driving a truck."

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Shortly after joining the army, I was in line with some other inductees when the sergeant stepped forward with that day's assignments.

After handing overvarious tasks, he asked, "Does anyone here have experience with radio communications?"

A longtime ham operator, I shouted, "I do!"

"Good," he said. "You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole."

TYPES OF BRA

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City.

He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady, "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?"

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said, "Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

"A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

BLONDE GARDEN

Blonde got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket.

He gave $ 10/- and took the ticket and said, "April fool. I have pass."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Blonde joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.
Boss was happy and asked what he did till the evening.
Blonde, "Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright."
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On a romantic day, Blonde's girlfriend asks him, "Darling! On our engagement day will you give me a ring?"
Blonde, "Ya sure, from landline or mobile."
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Doctor to Blonde, "You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?"
Blonde, "Yes. A good doctor."
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2 Blondes were fixing a bomb in a car.
Blonde 1, "What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing."
Blonde 2, "Don’t worry, I have one more."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Blonde was busy removing a wheel from his auto.

A man asks Blonde why he was removing a wheel from his auto.
Blonde, "Can’t you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheelers."
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Blonde, "What is the name of your car?"
Lady: "I forgot the name, but it starts with "T"."
Blonde, "Gosh! great car; It starts with Tea. My car starts with gasoline."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Boss, "Where were you born?"
Blonde, "Canada."
Boss, "Which part?"
Blonde, "What do you mean? Whole body born in Canada."
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How will you destroy a submarine full of Blondes?
Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it.