STAR IN THE EAST

A mother and her teenage daughter came to the doctor's office.

The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She's been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," said the mother.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men."

She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you dear?"

"No mommy," said the girl. "Why you know that I have never so much as kissed a boy!"

The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was goint to show up."

HOT & COLD SEX

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting, " replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that old buzzard," she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time in December."

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club. After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole, suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H - Husband, W - Wife)

H - Hello ?"

W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

H - "Yes."

W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H - "What's the price?"

W - "Only $1,000."

H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ...."

W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. It's a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ...."

H - "What price did he quote you?"

W - "Only $65,000 ....">

H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else ...."

H - "What?"

W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property."

H - "How much are they asking?"

W - "Only $450,000 .... a magnificent price .... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ...."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W - "OK, sweetie .... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

H - " Bye .... I love you too ...."

The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.

The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks " Does anyone know who this cell phone belong to ...."

2 PRIESTS

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'