MISCOMMUNICATION

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, 'What are the grounds for your divorce?

She replied, 'About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.'

'No,' he said, 'I mean what is the foundation of this case?'

'It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,' she responded.

'I mean,' he continued, 'What are your relations like?'

'I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.'

He said, 'Do you have a real grudge?'

'No,' she replied, 'We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.'

'Please,' he tried again, 'is there any infidelity in your marriage?'

'Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.'

'Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?'

'Yes,' she responded, 'about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.'

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, 'Lady, why do you want a divorce?'

'Oh, I don't want a divorce,' she replied. 'I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!'

FORTUNE TELLER

A young man went to a fortune teller.

Gazing into her crystal ball, the old lady asked, "What is your dream, young man? What do you want to do with your life?"

"I want to become a great writer."

"How do you define great?" she asked.

"I want to write things that the whole world will read, things that people will react to on a truly emotional level, things that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger."

The fortune teller reassured him, "It will be so."

He now works for Microsoft .... writing error messages ....

WAITERS & A CUSTOMER

Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down Sir, we serve everyone ....
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Customer: Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter: Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer: No, I can't.
Waiter: Then does it really matter ....
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Customer: Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers ....
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Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That's all right Sir, he won't drink much ....
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Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
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Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller ....
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Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card ....

SOME GOOD ONES

Signboard Outside A Prostitute's House:

Married MEN Not Allowed. We Serve The Needy, Not The Greedy ....

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Written On The T-Shirt Of A Girl:

SITUATORY WARNING: Objects Inside The T-Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear From Outside ....

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Lady : Is this my train?

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.

Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy ....

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A drunkard was brought to court.

Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.

The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, 'Order, Order.'

The drunkard immediately responded, 'Thank you, Your Honor, I'll have a scotch and soda.'

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Man Quits Smoking Because Of Will Power.

He Quits Drinking Because Of Will Power.

But He Quits Womanizing Because He Has The Will But No Power .....

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Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting, 'Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!'

'That's great, Sweetheart,' said her daddy. 'Come in to the living room and tell me about it.'

'Well,' began the confession, 'I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science.'

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1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.

1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions ....

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Man: How old is your father?

Boy: As old as me.

Man: How can that be?

Boy: He became a father only when I was born ....

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Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?

Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time ....

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An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.

'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'

'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.

'How long has what been going on?' said the man ....

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Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Yes Dear.

Girl: Would you die for me?

Boy: No, mine is undying love ....

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Wife: Do you want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : Yes and no ....